Twenty Questions for Neurodiverse Couples

This page offers two parallel sets of questions: one for the neurotypical partner and one for the autistic partner.

They are not meant to be diagnostic, predictive, or decisive. They are designed to support reflection and clarity, not certainty.

No two couples are alike. No two individuals experience neurodiversity in the same way. These questions reflect patterns that often arise in neurodiverse relationships, based on my clinical work with couples over many years. They are not checklists to be completed or scored.

If some questions resonate strongly and others do not, that is expected.

How to Use These Questions

Before reading further, a few important guidelines:

These questions are not a test.
They are not meant to be answered quickly.
They are not intended to be used against a partner.
They do not imply what you should do next.

Many people find it most useful to read the questions privately at first. Some choose to return to them later and discuss selected questions together. Others never share their answers at all.

There is no correct way to use this page.

The value lies in noticing which questions stir recognition, confusion, relief, or resistance, and allowing that information to settle before drawing conclusions.

Twenty Questions for the Neurotypical Partner

These questions are intended for the partner who identifies as neurotypical or non-autistic. They reflect experiences that are commonly reported, but not universal.

Do social situations sometimes feel awkward in ways that go beyond ordinary shyness, and that have become harder to explain over time?
Do conversations with your partner tend to remain factual or impersonal, even when the topic is emotional or intimate?
Have you been without sexual or emotional intimacy for so long that it feels difficult to remember how closeness used to feel?
Do you feel that your partner has your back emotionally, and that you can rely on them for comfort when you are distressed?
Does your partner relate comfortably to your friends or family, or do these interactions feel strained or effortful?
Does your partner show curiosity about your inner life, your thoughts, or the things that matter most to you?
Does your partner notice when you are feeling low or overwhelmed and offer support without being prompted?
Do differences around holidays, anniversaries, or emotionally significant events leave you feeling unseen or alone?
Do your lives feel closely intertwined, or do they sometimes feel parallel, as though you are moving side by side without meeting?
Do your hopes and aspirations feel welcome in the relationship, or have they gradually receded?
Do you find yourself wondering what “normal” means in a relationship, and whether your experience fits that idea?
Does your partner’s facial expression, tone, or body language sometimes feel limited or difficult to read?
Do you feel that no matter how carefully you explain your feelings, your partner does not seem to grasp what you are trying to convey?
Do you feel intense frustration or grief about the sense that things may never change?
Do you keep many of these concerns to yourself because they are hard to explain to others?
Do you often assume responsibility for relational difficulties, wondering what you could have said or done differently?
Has there been a gradual sense of emotional emptiness where tenderness or closeness once lived?
Do you sometimes cry from a sense of diffuse frustration or loneliness that is hard to name?
Do you find yourself buffering, translating, or covering for your partner in social or family situations?
Do you carry a persistent sense that something fundamental is off in the relationship, even if you cannot identify exactly what it is?

Twenty Questions for the Autistic Partner

These questions are intended for the partner who identifies as autistic or neurodivergent, whether formally diagnosed or not. They reflect common experiences, but not universal ones.

Do you often feel as though there is a social or emotional code that others seem to understand intuitively, but that you have to consciously figure out?
Do you find close relationships more confusing or draining than you expected them to be?
Do emotional conversations feel overwhelming, unclear, or difficult to navigate in real time?
Do you feel criticized or attacked when disagreements arise, even when that is not your partner’s intention?
Do you need significant time alone or predictable routines in order to feel regulated?
Do you sometimes shut down, withdraw, or disengage when emotions become intense?
Do you feel that your intentions are frequently misunderstood by your partner?
Do you experience pressure to respond emotionally in ways that do not feel natural or accessible to you?
Do you feel that your efforts to show care or commitment often go unnoticed or unrecognized?
Do you struggle to understand what your partner expects from you emotionally, even when you care deeply?
Do you feel exhausted by the effort required to manage relational expectations?
Do you experience strong internal reactions that are difficult to express outwardly?
Do you feel more competent or at ease in structured environments than in emotionally fluid ones?
Do you sometimes feel that no matter how hard you try, you cannot meet your partner’s emotional needs?
Do you worry that you are being asked to change something fundamental about who you are?
Do you feel that your way of thinking or processing is often treated as a problem to be solved?
Do you find it hard to articulate your inner experience, even when you want to be understood?
Do you feel relief when you are alone, paired with guilt about that relief?
Do you sense that your partner is disappointed in you, even when they do not say so directly?
Do you carry a quiet fear that the relationship may be asking more of you than you can sustainably give?

Reading the Questions Together — or Not

Some couples choose to share a few questions that resonated strongly. Others find it more helpful to keep their reflections private.

If you do discuss these questions together, it can help to:

choose a calm moment
share observations rather than conclusions
avoid debating whether a question is “true”
pause the conversation if it becomes overwhelming

These questions are meant to open understanding, not to resolve differences.

A Final Reminder

These questions are not diagnostic.

They do not determine whether someone is autistic, whether a relationship is viable, or what decisions should be made. They are simply one way of slowing down and noticing patterns that are often difficult to name.

If reading them brings clarity, confusion, relief, or grief, all of those responses are meaningful.

You do not need to decide what they mean right away.

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