About Neurodiversity

When we talk about neurodiversity, we are not talking about right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, good or bad.

We are talking about difference.

Neurodiversity refers to natural variations in how human brains are structured and how they perceive, process, and respond to the world. These differences influence attention, sensory experience, emotional signaling, communication, cognition, and the way context is understood. In relationships, these differences matter.

A neurodiverse relationship is one in which partners experience and navigate the world in meaningfully different ways. Most often, this refers to a relationship in which one partner is autistic and the other is not, though neurodiversity can also include ADHD, ADD, dyslexia, and other forms of neurological variation.

Difference Without Deficit

It is essential to understand that difference does not imply deficiency.

Neurodiversity is not a hierarchy, with one way of being at the top and others falling below it. The concept of “normal” simply describes what is most statistically common in a population. The opposite of normal is not abnormal, but less common.

In relationships, difficulty often arises when difference is interpreted as failure. A missed emotional cue may be seen as indifference. A need for explicit communication may be interpreted as coldness. A preference for routine may be mistaken for rigidity or control. These interpretations are understandable, but they are not inevitable.

Understanding neurodiversity allows couples to separate impact from intent and to recognize that many painful dynamics are not the result of lack of care, but of fundamentally different ways of perceiving and processing experience.

Autism and Diagnosis

Autism is a form of neurodiversity characterized by differences in neurological development that affect perception, communication, emotional processing, and sensory experience. It is not a mental illness or a personality disorder.

In the United States, the formal diagnostic term is autism spectrum disorder. In the United Kingdom and other countries, the term Autism Spectrum Condition is often used. I prefer this language because it describes difference without implying pathology.

It is also important to know that many individuals have autistic traits without meeting full diagnostic criteria. Others may meet criteria but never receive a diagnosis. What matters most in relationships is not the label, but whether the patterns and descriptions associated with neurodiversity resonate with lived experience.

If approaching your relationship through a neurodiversity lens brings clarity, then it can be useful, regardless of diagnosis.

One Person Does Not Represent All

No two autistic individuals are the same.

Autistic traits are expressed differently and to varying degrees among individuals. Personality, temperament, intelligence, life history, culture, and values all interact with neurological difference. If you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person.

This is why comparison can be misleading. Reading about autism may feel illuminating in some moments and inaccurate in others. Both reactions are normal. The goal is not to match a description perfectly, but to gain insight into patterns that may be shaping your relationship.

Gender, Research, and Representation

Historically, much of the research on autism was conducted on boys and men. As a result, autistic women and nonbinary individuals have often been underdiagnosed or mischaracterized. This is changing, but many descriptions in books and media still reflect older models.

Be mindful of this as you read. Not every description will apply to every person, and absence of a particular trait does not invalidate the broader framework of neurodiversity.

Caution About Labels and Popular Narratives

You may encounter terms such as Cassandra Syndrome, or recognize portrayals of autism in films and television. While these narratives can be informative, they are often simplified or dramatized.

Be cautious about over-identifying with any single label or storyline. Real relationships are more complex than any category can capture. Use what you encounter as information, not as a definition of who you are or what your relationship must be.

Similarly, online quizzes and informal screening tools should be approached carefully. They are not diagnostic and cannot determine whether someone is autistic. At best, they may suggest whether further exploration could be useful.

Why This Matters for Couples

Neurodiversity often becomes most visible in close relationships.

Differences that are manageable in work or social settings can become painful in intimate partnerships, where expectations around emotional attunement, communication, and connection are higher. Partners may find themselves stuck in cycles of misunderstanding that do not respond to effort or goodwill.

Understanding neurodiversity does not solve these challenges on its own. What it does offer is a more accurate framework for understanding why certain patterns persist and why standard relationship advice may not apply.

From this starting point, couples can make more informed, compassionate decisions about how to proceed.

If You Want to Go Further

If this perspective resonates, you may wish to explore:

• How neurodiverse relationships are often misunderstood

• Questions that help couples reflect more clearly on their patterns

• Ways of working together that honor difference rather than erase it

These topics are addressed elsewhere on this site for those who wish to engage more deeply.

©Swenson Coaching LLC 2021